Sunday, 18 March 2012

Don't Look Back.

I woke up today, after the longest sleep I've had since last October. I opened my eyes to rays of sun beaming through my floral curtains, creating a pleasant yellow hue in my room. I felt paralyzed and confused. Paralyzed to my senses, for those first few waking seconds where I have no idea who I was and where I am. And, confused as to why I felt like getting out of bed, and leaving my room. As usually, I stay in bed for hours, tossing and turning, and dreaming of a better life. My head was finally empty, I had no thoughts about being alone. Technically, I woke up alone, but I felt assured by my own company. Today, I felt a calm sense of relief. Relief. Knowing that I was going to be alright.

What happened in October, you ask? A series of unfortunate events, that I choose not to mention here. But let's just say that these events, took a toll on my life. It was like a grey cloud, that haunted me every waking moment of those bitter few months. I had not been able to sleep peacefully since, until last night. For many, many nights in a row, I wept. Alone in my bed, I wept. Instead of at least trying to sleep, I wept. The girl I used to know as positive and fun, became an emotional wreck. A dysfunctional family of irrational thoughts and mood-swings, that clashed.

Although the feeling of relief didn't feel promising, I knew I was going to be okay. There was no constant reminder that my life was, utterly shit, as it had suddenly disappeared. It took off during the night whilst I was sleeping, rather than sleeping underneath the covers with me. I no longer had this claw of depression in my back, as if it had finally loosened it's grasp and perched on someone else's shoulder. To haunt them for a couple of months instead.

I strolled out of the bed that I had once used as a shield against facing the outer world, and took a glance to the left to look in the large mirror. I saw myself. As if I hadn't seen my own reflection in such a long time. Like I took a vacation in a distant bleak place, and finally returned home. It was that sense of relief and comfort I felt. I no longer saw an unfamiliar face, a face of a girl who didn't deserve this mentality. But now I saw the girl, whom I've seen for nearly 20 years, and she wore a smile. Along with a healthy radiance of positivity.

It's great to feel like myself again, with the body that my mind has been assigned to since 1992. I felt at peace, as if my mind and body has found the perfect balance, and were working in harmony to keep this girl happy. And now, I have decided the way to keep this pleasant feeling, is to keep moving forward. And don't look back...
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2 comments

  1. Hey Ravi, i read about your blog on Hollies Channel! (goodgollymisshollie) and from the lovely things that she wrote about it i had to check it out!

    First of all, i just wanted to say, wow! I bloody love it! I could probably spend hours reading every single post that you've done but unfortunately i have to get on with the delightful chores that i encounter in my daily life, such as work! sucks i know.

    Another thing i wanted to touch up on is how happy i was to read this post after your last one, i too have struggled from depression, however from the sounds of it it's probably a bit milder than the form you had. I've torn myself away from the horrible hold it had on me and now my life is so much better. I've learned to keep smiling and to always see the good in things, and i hope that you do too! what you do on here is inspirational, and you probably don't get told that enough!

    One last thing is your artwork! Amazing. I'm going to Nottingham Trent this September to study Fine Art so i'm proper excited. I've put a few pieces on my blog if you wanna have a look, I've only just started blogging so its nothing special yet but if you'd have a look I'd really appreciate it :)

    Keep up the good work! lol :)

    Jess xxx

    www.sparklingperry.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Woah! Such a long comment! Haha I've replied back on your blog :)

      Thank you for the lovely comment :) And your art work is fab!! xxx

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